Hypocrisy: a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not : behavior that contradicts what one claims to believe or feel
Enlightenment: a final blessed state marked by the absence of desire or suffering
“You can’t experience yourself as who you really are without encountering what you are not.”
Neale Donald Walsh, Conversations with God
In our culture, hypocrisy is a negative term, but I believe that hypocrisy is necessary to achieving enlightenment, that state of being where contentment begins and suffering ends.
When we give ourselves permission to change our minds, we open up an entirely new world of possibility, one that will bring us closer to the person we ultimately want to be.
The path to enlightenment, where we feel at peace with our choices and our beliefs, and where we remain open to continually change our minds and invite in other perspectives as we receive new information, must lead through so-called hypocrisy.
Swinging the pendulum as far as possible to the other side of our current thinking/behavior is necessary to open our minds and consider alternative ways. From the outside, this may make us look like hypocrites and it opens us up to judgment from others. But choosing not to shift our thinking or change our minds due to a fear of being judged or being called a hypocrite is self-limiting and throws a roadblock on our path to enlightenment.
In last week’s post I referenced the concept of “potential energy” from physics that demonstrates our ability to change. This week I will also reference my least favorite science subject to discuss how we start to change ourselves, and how we can support others in their desire to change.
“Inertia,” is the term used in physics to describe the energy required to overcome one’s current state of being. Even if you hated physics as I did you may recall the catchy phrase “an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
The “unbalanced” force required to move an object or person from their current state of status quo demands that we “try on” different viewpoints. As a general rule, humans reject “unbalanced forces” or moving from our current state of being, as it is much easier to stay the same than it is to move out of our comfort zones. Not only are we often stuck in our own ways, thoughts or routines, but we have been conditioned not to trust those who change their ways or their beliefs. Instead we are inclined to turn on these individuals, calling them “hypocrites” and shaming them for having the audacity to change. By definition, hypocrisy is a behavior that seems inconsistent with one’s beliefs; but perhaps the hypocrite in question is just trying on a new behavior or is in the process of changing their beliefs based on new information they have encountered.
Shouldn’t we be advocating for people to continue to update their perspectives as new information becomes available? We demand this kind of constant revision in other areas of life such as science, medicine and technology. Our minds are open when we hear about a new version of the iPhone; people line up to get the latest and greatest model. But when we encounter a human who has updated their software to adapt their perspective, we no longer trust them.
One reason for this lack of trust is that we tend to take it as a personal attack on our own belief systems. When a friend or colleague switches their thinking to a perspective that is no longer aligned with our own, even though we are not in any real danger, this unexpected switch in behavior evokes a threatening feeling and our reaction is to protect ourselves by throwing shame and blame outward rather than looking inward to see why this is so triggering to us.
If we were to suppress our innate defensiveness and instead take a moment to ask ourselves why it bothers us so much that another individual has changed their way of thinking or acting, we may find that our frustration is actually directed at ourselves. When someone we respect and love, and who has always reinforced our own beliefs, suddenly takes an unexpected detour, we may feel abandoned. Alignment of beliefs and behaviors is our way of relating and feeling connected to one another. It feels personal when someone breaks the unspoken code and steps out of alignment with our beliefs.
But what if we chose curiosity over judgment here? Our actionable challenge in these circumstances is to support people who are in the process of changing their minds and ask questions about why they have come to this new path. What is their goal and how can we help them achieve it?
When we dig into why others have made a switch in their thinking, we may feel an internal nudge to reconsider our own beliefs. Our minds start to open just a little bit. However, that nudge is often quickly quelled with an even stronger force of resistance. Resistance thinks it is being helpful and tries to protect us from leaving our state of inertia, which would require energy and could potentially expose us to an unknown threat (e.g. a new way of thinking). Resistance starts to push the mind’s door closed again. It is well-intentioned, eliminating any potential guilt or shame we may feel when taking a critical look at our own actions, beliefs or behaviors, or comparing ourselves to others who have adopted a new habit or thought pattern that we have either never considered or have previously failed to implement in our own lives. In the end it is easier to choose separation from these so-called hypocrites to protect ourselves from having to examine our own thinking and potentially change ourselves. The price we pay for comfort is a lack of growth, expansion and ability to achieve the goal of contentment and enlightenment.
The following steps can help manage resistance to change: 1. Acknowledge the resistance when it arises, 2. THANK the resistance for trying to protect you from a perceived threat, 3. Let the resistance know that you don’t need its protection in this particular circumstance and you’ll take it from here. (for more about managing resistance see Kelly Notara’s blog linked below)
Now that the block is cleared and the mind’s door can open again, we can use the example of others who have changed their minds to examine our own patterns, without self-judgment. We can check in with ourselves to see if there is anything about this person’s new perspective that resonates with us. We can use their pivoted mindset to challenge our own thinking and perhaps encourage us to see things in a different light or adopt a habit we’ve been struggling to achieve for years. At the very least we owe it to ourselves to check in on our long-standing beliefs and see if any of this new information requires us to update those beliefs.
In summary, we can take what is handed to us, only see what has always been in front of us, surround ourselves with a small circle of people who think and act just like we do, OR we can expand our universe to explore and even seek out different viewpoints, knowing that in the end it is still our choice to believe and act in the way that best supports in becoming who we want ultimately to be.
Feeling “stuck” is a wake-up call–it means we know there is something more for us than we are currently experiencing–something more to learn, to optimize our joy, to expand our potential and to allow our unique gifts to shine and help others.
If you’re feeling stuck, revisit your beliefs. Ask the question, “is this still true for me?” Update beliefs as necessary when new information is available. Be curious about how others are revising their thinking about complex issues. Try on a new mindset, belief or habit. Get to know and love your inner hypocrite. After all, she/he is guiding you towards enlightenment.
*Bonus homework/references: Read or reread “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse.
Siddhartha is the story of the Buddha, who tried many different ways of living and different perspectives before coming to find that all of his answers were within himself. He starts out living as an ascetic, fasting and living without money or food. He later abandons this path, renouncing prior religious chastity, and tries on a new way of living a life of wealth and luxury and exploring the world of sensual pleasure. He ultimately lands alone by the river, where he reflects on his life and his choices and realizes ALL of these experiences are part of the human journey and that, had he always lived as an ascetic for example, he never would have been able to CHOOSE his path, or discover his own belief system.
Blog by Kelly Notara on resistance–this is focused on writing resistance but the general information about the psychology of resistance is broadly applicable.
Love Your Writing Resistance