Reclaiming our power amidst endless uncertainty

Earlier this year I wrote an article about my fertility journey with a specific focus on how we can find choice and control in our reactions to circumstances that are otherwise out of our control. The article was published in the Resolve New England newsletter linked below. I also present here the unedited original version. My heart goes out to all of you struggling with family-building. Fertility warriors are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met.

Link to RNE article

When people say “so-and-so always has to feel like they’re in control,” it’s often not a compliment. In the fertility world, we also often hear that “letting go of the need to control” can help us achieve our ultimate goal of starting a family. I think the balance lies somewhere in between. There is a reason we like to, even need to feel in control, and it is likely an evolutionary advantage that protects us from harm. For women in particular, a long history of inequality and access to basic rights like voting, access to higher education, appropriate healthcare, equal pay for equal work, compensation for domestic activities, and the lack of rights to make decisions about our own bodies, has left us desperately trying to find things that we can control in our lives. So when a basic human right such as starting a family is inaccessible to 1 in 6 women, we are left wondering “is there ANYTHING within my own control at this point?? Even my own BODY is refusing to listen to me!”

As we navigate this unfair world of infertility, it feels like nothing is within our control. But I am here to remind you, and me, that there is one very important thing we can control, one thing that can make or break us as we persevere towards the goal of creating our families. We all have this power, but are often not encouraged to use it. Consider this your reminder to reconnect with and use your inner power of choice, and regain some much needed control in what can often seem like a war we are engaged in with our own bodies.

Because the desire to start a family  is so great for many of us, we will do just about anything to achieve that goal, including giving away our power during the process. We succumb to ideas, suggestions and paths that may not actually resonate with us at our core, but because we are desperate we reject our instincts and try just about anything. We may place blind trust in the opinions of others, most of whom have good intentions, and some who don’t. While it may not seem like we have choices because we don’t always like the options in front of us, we do always have a choice, including taking time to make our decision about the options laid before us, and also, choosing to do nothing. 

I have succumbed to the lure of promises to improve my egg quality and spent thousands of dollars on protocols without any evidence, choices that left me bitter and angry rather than hopeful and supported. But I made the choice to believe these things might help and I own those choices. That is where our power lies, in owning our choices. I chose to try IVF with my own eggs even when the chance of success was <1%; I chose to dream. When the first round of IVF was canceled due to inefficacy, I advocated for a different IVF protocol, based on my own reading, research, and comfort level. The outcome was better, but still not successful. However, I felt that I had used my voice and was empowered to be part of the decision-making process, which helped me feel more in control as I moved my mindset to the next path for creating our family, which happened to be egg donation, at my own pace. I had previously rejected this idea when it was proposed at the very beginning of our fertility consultations. This is another example of the power and control we possess that we may have forgotten: the power to change our minds.

I came around to the idea of egg donation with time, on my time, and with the help and support of the psychological resources from the clinic and in talking with other moms who chose this path. Once I felt comfortable with the idea, we moved forward with a new sense of hope and 4 healthy embryos as a result of our decision.

When I had my first failed transfer I was impacted far beyond what I ever anticipated and I went to a pretty dark place. I protected myself by immediately disconnecting from work without giving anyone my reasons.

I didn’t reach out to anyone. I wallowed. I got really angry. I took all of the drinking glasses out of our kitchen cabinet (I didn’t like them anyway), and gave myself a “responsible” way of expressing my anger. I put them in a box and drove to the dump, throwing them one-by-one into the giant metal glass recycle dumpster, listening to the sound of them smashing into a million pieces, transitioning from something that was once whole and clear and had a purpose to being reduced to thousands of sharp fragments that could no longer hold anything on their own. 

Then I texted the only person I could trust not to try and pull me out of what I needed to feel. She was not even a close friend at the time, but a work colleague that I had randomly learned just the week before was adopting a child. I had asked her if she would share with me her reason for adopting, given that I knew she already had an 8-year old son at home. Of course I “hoped” she was going to tell me that she had had infertility issues, because, and I don’t know if I’m alone in this feeling, I always feel better when I find out someone else has struggled with the same issue. It turned out she had, in fact, had secondary infertility and two miscarriages resulting from her IVF-assisted attempts to conceive. She drew a line back then for herself; she was not willing to continue down that path and put herself through any more of the treatments and potential heartaches. She made a very clear decision to move forward with adoption. I admired her for setting this boundary and knew in that moment I was meant to tell her what no one else knew at the time, that I had an embryo inside me in that very moment that we spoke. I would find out just a few days later that it had failed to implant. As I lay on the couch the day after finding out the results, I texted her. I told her she was the only one who could possibly understand and asked if she would be willing to talk. Of course she was. During our phone conversation, as I heaved and cried from my supine paralysis on the couch, she told me something that I now share with as many people as possible, whether they are struggling with infertility or anything else in life that warrants permission to feel whatever we need to feel. When she had her miscarriage someone close to her said, “well at least it happened early in your pregnancy.” She looked at them and said, “There is no room in my emotional portfolio right now for positivity.” Boundaries. She told me to let myself feel everything I needed to feel, and that I would have to let myself get all the way to the bottom before I could come back up again. That had been my gut feeling as well, and I so appreciated having someone that validated that instinct, including my instinct NOT to invite even some of my closest friends into my “bubble” while I processed the aftermath of the failed transfer. I know that people have good intentions when they try to pick us up from the puddle we melt into after receiving devastating news, but it is not our job in those moments to help them feel comfortable by allowing them to try and move us from our grief too quickly. 

After my second failed embryo transfer I chose to take a break, even though more time would pass (time being the ultimate enemy of fertility….). I told myself I could still stop this at any time. We have 2 more embryos. I know people who have stopped and still have embryos in the freezer that have been in there for years now. They just don’t want to do it anymore. NOT doing more is a really brave choice that we don’t talk about enough.

My wish is that every person on this journey, in fertility or any aspect of life, realizes that even in the most challenging circumstances we have a choice in the way we react to those circumstances. 

KEY TAKEAWAYS ON CONTROL AND CHOICE:

• Infertility makes us feel like we are not in control–of our bodies, our choices, our lives, our futures
• It is normal and healthy to want to be in control; it is a way of protecting ourselves
• Being in control doesn’t always mean resisting external factors, but learning how to own our responses to those external factors and use them to guide our growth and happiness
• Remembering that we have a CHOICE in how we respond to what happens to us brings an element of control back in a way that also allows us to flow with the unexpected and see things as opportunities or neutral information versus obstacles
• While it may not seem like we have choices because we don’t like the options in front of us, we do always have a choice, including choosing to do nothing!
• Choice includes
  • Taking time to make the decision that feels right for you
  • Setting boundaries on who we bring along with us on our journey
    • Curate that special circle to include people who are going to understand that you don’t need their advice, anecdotal success stories, or toxic positivity. Choose people who can just “sit in the suck” with you and not feel the need to “fix” anything.
  • Allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions come up, without getting attached to them, and choosing which ones will best support us in a given situation
  • Choosing to stay with emotions that we need to sit with a little longer
  • Choosing to let go of any emotion or thought pattern that is no longer serving us
  • Revisiting our thoughts and feelings and assessing whether we want to exert our right to change our mind

You have the power within you and the RIGHT to reflect, research, ask questions, take time and space to digest information and make decisions in partnership with your healthcare provider. They do NOT know everything and they definitely do NOT know what is best for YOU. Only you know that. We are trained to ignore our instincts and reject our own desires while allowing external authorities to take the lead. We are pushed to move quickly because “Tick-tock! Time is not on your side and you’re not getting any younger!” The Wicked Witch of the West has her hourglass sitting on your nightstand and you are watching the sands fall through at an alarming rate…the flying monkeys are just around the corner, ready to take away your last hope in their clutching claws. You’re literally living in a nightmare… 

But you DO have control. Here is a good practice to prove this to yourself: The next time you get that call updating you on the progress of a growing follicle, or reporting test results after the 2-week wait, let the phone ring a couple of times. Take a moment to release the automatic tension in your body that appears with that first jarring ring and the sight of the clinic name on your phone screen. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “All I am about to receive is information. What I do with that information is MY choice. It is within my power to label this information as “good” or “bad,” or to simply call it what it is: just information.”

When you answer the phone, imagine yourself as an empty vessel made of clear glass. Let the words coming from the voice on the other line flow into you without attaching any meaning to them. See if you can notice in real time what emotions are trying to react to this information–surprise, joy, confusion, pain, anger, hurt, unfairness, despair, hope, gratitude…no matter what comes up try to not get attached to any of it, just look at it through the glass and see what is there. You now have a choice. Which of these emotional outfits do you want to wear, if any of them? How does it feel to be angry…is this what you need right now? If so, wear it with intention and understanding of how it is ultimately helping you process and regain your power. In this way you can intentionally use emotion to your benefit, without it using you. It is the one way we have to regain control of this journey, to choose our reaction to the unforeseen, unpredictable events that happen all along the way.

Notice I did not say “events that happen TO US,” as this wording puts us in the victim corner where there is no control or power. The events happen. It’s not personal and we can choose not to feel like victims. That is not who we are. We are fertility warriors, and we have choices. We can take time to think about decisions for next steps. We can take a break from having to make choices. We can ask for second opinions. We can read and research for ourselves and ask our healthcare PARTNERS to provide their perspectives on what we have found, but ultimately the decision is OURS.

Last week during preparation for our third transfer I received a call that was not at all what I wanted to hear; we needed to take a step back and repeat a diagnostic test based on an ultrasound finding in my uterus. This transfer cycle was canceled. As I listened to the doctor give me this news, I stepped a bit outside of myself and considered what I most  needed to feel in that moment. I “tried on” each of the emotions that were coming up for me: anger, desperation, hopelessness… I observed each one of them as though they were separate from my being (which, by the way, they are). I decided that I didn’t feel like being angry, or desperate, or hopeless. I’ve been feeling pretty good in my life lately. I’ve decided that my fertility journey is just one part of my life and that it does not define me. I have other interests, goals, dreams and things that bring me joy.

Before we even started trying to conceive I had to re-visit my lifelong mantra that I “never wanted to have children.” I had been saying this to myself for so long, probably since before I was even a teenager, that it had become a rote response that I never questioned. This was only one of many issues in which I took a very “black-and-white” approach to my opinions. This limited me for so many years. Growth mindset was not a concept taught in my education, but it is a philosophy that I value and embody now, after some challenging years of looking at my “stuff” and re-evaluating my beliefs. As I reflected on why I never wanted to have children I realized that many of those reasons were no longer true for me, but I had never taken the time to “update” my thinking. Circumstances sometimes demand that we do this, and if we reject that demand we may get stuck in a place that does not provide us with the opportunity to see potential for our lives that would fulfill us in ways we could not have ourselves imagined.