It is one of my core beliefs that people CAN and DO change, and that none of us belong in a “bin” defined by past or even present behavior.
In physics there is a concept called potential energy that applies to static objects, supporting the notion that even though something appears to be immovable, it has reserved energy to move under the right conditions. The right conditions, in the sense of humans, is an environment where self-awareness, self-reflection and self-forgiveness are encouraged and supported.
Yet how many times have we heard someone say, or even said ourselves, “People don’t change,” or “once a _____ , always a _____.”
Typically we hear or utter this phrase when we are disappointed in someone’s repeat pattern of behavior that is damaging to our relationship, or if a change in someone’s behavior or beliefs threatens our view on the world as being black or white, but certainly not “gray.” Perhaps it’s an alcoholic family member who swore they would never drink again, and yet here they are three-sheets-to-the-wind, heading down a familiar path of saying or doing hurtful things and breaking promises. Or maybe you’ve just heard about your friend’s new boyfriend, whose last relationship ended because he was unfaithful, “Once a cheater always a cheater, Susan. You better leave that one alone!”
And then there are the times we use a form of this phrase in harmful self-talk, “I have tried so many times to lose weight but I always gain it back.”
It makes life more simple to put things into discrete categories, and it helps us to quickly make decisions about who or what we accept into our lives. A this-or-that statement such as “I like chocolate, but I hate vanilla,” leaves no room for nuance. It would complicate things to challenge this statement by asking probing questions to get a more refined response, “well do you like all types of chocolate? Because there’s dark, semi-sweet, white…and when was the last time you tried vanilla? And was it artificial vanilla? Or was it pure, organic madagascar vanilla bean? If you tried that, you might change your mind about not liking vanilla.”
For most of us our brains get overwhelmed when asked to consider different viewpoints that may open us to new perspectives on our beliefs. But maintaining our beliefs over time without revisiting and revising based on new information creates enduring, self-limiting beliefs that prevent us from reaching our fullest growth potential.
One of the fundamental evolutionary differentiators of the human species is the ability to change.
The renowned relationship psychologist Esther Perel probes her clients to ask themselves and their loved ones this question: “Think of a time when you changed your mind.” I bet you can think of one. Another spiritual leader/mindset coach I’ve worked with relates how our society is very strict on certain rules of what can and can’t be changed. We don’t judge people for moving from one house to another, or even from one state or country to another. We also don’t often judge people for changing jobs when the time comes that we are bored or have a better opportunity elsewhere. But when it comes to changing spouses, or even changing our minds about a certain “hot button” topic like religion, sexuality or politics, the tolerance for change diminishes and we are called “hypocrites.” We may even get judged when we attempt to switch to change our lifestyle in an effort to become healthier. When someone goes from being a couch potato to an avid runner, or a friend orders salad with chicken rather than pizza, or decides that they want to reduce or quit drinking alcohol, they may hear things from like:“Oh come on, you used to be the QUEEN of the jaeger shots in college! What are you doing with that seltzer water?” or “Just have a slice of pizza, it won’t kill you! What are you all ‘Mr Healthy’ now?”
Why is it that we judge others when they have taken the time to reflect on their views, listen to alternative perspectives, and decide it’s time for a change? Why is it that we don’t trust our own instincts to change when we feel the drive to do so? And why, after initiating a change, but happen to take a step or two backwards, do we lose complete faith in our ability to change and assume it’s impossible?
The answer may be different for everyone. Perhaps our fear of change comes from being conditioned to loyalty as a state of being, based on how we were raised or the views of the people closest to us, and we have extended that notion of loyalty too far, considering that a change of mind or belief is a breach of trust to our tribe.
We also may be so attached to our current identity, or the identity that we have shown to the world for the majority of our lives, that we fear losing friends, loved ones or community if we decide to change. “If I decide to finally leave my spouse because I’m deeply unhappy, all of our friends will hate me. “ Or, “I just listened to this lecture on plant-based nutrition and I’d like to become a vegetarian, but I grew up on a beef farm; this is like a direct attack on my family’s livelihood! What will they say at Christmas dinner when I don’t want to eat the roast?”
Fundamentally, the reason we fear or avoid change, and judge ourselves when we do make a life change, is that we’ve stopped trusting who we are at our core, and have instead become attached to a story we’ve been telling ourselves about our potential to grow.
Becoming who we ultimately want to be as humans depends on regularly taking stock of our current belief systems, reflecting on whether those beliefs are still true based on any new information we may have about ourselves and the world around us, and testing the waters of change.
It is helpful to surround ourselves with people who are willing to hold up a mirror in front of us once in a while, challenging us by asking the question, “is this who you still want to be? Or is there an old story here that needs to be edited?” The answer may be to keep the status quo, but we need to check in once in a while and see if our choices and beliefs align with who we really are and who we want to be.
We are the owners of our individual lives and we have the power of choice to change as many times as we want to, to try new things and decide for ourselves whether they are right for us or not. We can always go back to the way things were; maybe we were right all along that we aren’t runners/teetotalers/vegetarians, but without pressure-testing those stories once in a while we are doing ourselves a disservice to not find out more about who we really are and empower ourselves to handcraft the life that fits best for us.
