One of my favorite books to gift to others is don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements.” This book has had a huge impact on my life and has changed the way I try to communicate and the way I interpret others’ communication.
The book is short and an easy read, but I’m going to take the next four weeks to summarize each of the “agreements” one at a time because I do think it is helpful to let each one sink in versus blasting through all four at once.
I recommend sitting with each one and taking notice of how they apply to your life over the course of a week.
You will find that each agreement provides guidance and ways to manage the inner narrative that often takes us off track and down a rabbit hole of made-up stories, creating division and disconnection between us and our fellow humans.
At this time in the world, we could use a little guidance on how to stay close and connected with one another, tolerant and open-minded, and able to draw boundaries within our own mind before drawing conclusions that have no basis in reality.
In short, we need to get better at having healthy discourse with one another.
The four agreements ask us to be thoughtful about our approach to our interactions with others and to arrest the knee-jerk reactions that lead to misunderstanding, anger, fear and isolation.
Communication is the foundation for positive connection.
The first agreement is, “Be impeccable with your word.” Miguel-Ruiz calls this “the most important of the four agreements.”
Our words hold more power than we think. How often do we respond or react with a word or phrase that has taken up residence in our brains for years, but which we have not recently examined or interrogated to determine whether it is the “right” thing to say.
Rote responses abound in our culture. We learn things when we are young that follow us into adulthood without question or revision.
And often, these flippant, thoughtless remarks leave scars on others that we can’t see.
As a certified Mass-hole, one example I can give of this is the language that comes out when I get frustrated in Boston traffic. If someone cuts me off, or races through a yield sign without even a pause, I might yell something like “You idiot!” (let’s be real, it would be MUCH more vulgar than that…)
Do I really think that person is an idiot? How could I possibly know if they are an idiot or not? It seems like a harmless/funny example, but sometimes I do catch myself in those moments and think about this first agreement and try to reframe my thinking–maybe this person just didn’t see the yield sign, or they are racing to the hospital because someone they love is there and needs them.
It’s more than likely that none of these potential explanations for the person’s behavior are true, but what skin is it off my back to choose to think that there is a good reason for their careless driving versus firing off thoughtless insults to a person whose story I do not know?
It is better for me to quell the rage, roll back my tongue to suppress the harmful words, and protect my mindspace to stay present and alert, especially when driving amongst these idiots.
(just checking to see if you’re still reading)
But seriously, it is all too easy these days to let words flow out of us without considering the consequences of those words.
We live mostly in a virtual world. The words on this page are written by someone you can’t see right now as you read them. You can’t hear the intonation in my voice through my writing, some things I say here may be confusing to you or come across in a way that I don’t intend. You may not get the humor I try to imbue in my writing (which is a real shame, because I think I’m hilarious).
This kind of environment makes it even more important for us to “be impeccable” with our word.
We spend the majority of our day texting, emailing, posting on social media, all methods of communication that make it way too easy to misinterpret our words.
These “invisible” or “anonymous” forms of communication also make it far too easy for people to hide behind words that harm others.
There is no looking into the eyes of the individual whose social media post has triggered another to write something caustic, hurtful or shaming.
Words have become weapons in the online world.
But, as Galadriel says, “…hope remains while all the Company is true” (impeccable words by Tolkien).
There is also a positive power in the words exchanged online–words of support and encouragement for others going through challenges, congratulatory sentiments for victories, births, graduations, awards, compassion and empathy for those grieving and best wishes for new life ventures.
The power is within us to choose our words as agents of good, which doesn’t always mean they will be woven into positive sentiments. Choosing the appropriate words to set boundaries, provide clarity, give feedback, admit our own wrongdoing or call out the wrongdoings of others is also consistent with following the first agreement.
There is also a power in keeping our words in our head. If they are in an early stage of formation and we are not certain that they are indeed the correct words we need to ask ourselves whether these words are even necessary to speak at all.
Remember the old recommendation for deciding when to speak and when to stay silent. Before saying/writing anything, ask yourself “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”
If the answer is “yes” to all three, we can be confident that we are aligned with the first agreement.
Over the course of the next week, I invite you to focus on your words–spoken and written (texts, emails, social media interactions).
Take pauses before expressing words as they form in real time within the mind.
Think about the potential impact of the words popping up.
Not every thought created in the mind needs to graduate to the vocal cords or the keyboard.
A Warrior’s word takes into account the power and impact it carries, and uses the word for good.
See you next week for our next “agreement.”