Man, I have so much more material now that I have a kid! And no, she’s not getting writing credits. BUT, I am learning a lot from observing her. She is overall a really good baby, but the times when she loses her s**t are always in the transitions–going from sleep to awake, swaddled to unswaddled, clothed to unclothed and vice versa, lying down to being picked up, having a bottle in her mouth to the bottle being removed so she can be burped, being held to being put down.
Long before I had my daughter I had listed the topic of “transitions” as a potential blog post. My original example was from yoga, because as a vinyasa yoga teacher I had already identified some symbolism of transitions between yoga postures and life’s challenges. But watching this new human grow her way into the world has emphasized just how challenging transitions, and change in general, are for all of us.
In a previous blog post I talked about the “hallway” analogy, that people say when one door closes another one opens but that hallway is a f***ing b**ch! The space between landing pads is always the hardest to endure because it encompasses the unknown.
In vinyasa yoga we practice a flowing style of poses, moving from one position to another using the inhale and exhale of our breath to connect the movements. If you don’t take time to fully breath in during the first part of the flow, filling the body and feeling the breath activate your core muscles, rooting down into your feet to stabilize your foundation, focusing your eyes on a fixed point in front of you, and moving slowly as you shift from one pose to the next, you will likely lose concentration, lose your balance, stumble, wobble and fall out of the pose. Finding the way to transition smoothly from one pose to another takes practice, not just of the physical movement, but of the mindset required to let go of any expectation that the transition will be smooth every time. Some days you will be more focused than others, other days you may be distracted and this will translate into feeling less stable and more wobbly.
In an ideal world all transitions would be slow, giving us time to plant our feet, move at our own pace, ready our minds for the change and land solidly and gracefully in the next “pose.” But sometimes we don’t have the luxury of moving at our own pace. Sometimes I need my daughter to wake up before she wants to because I need to get her in the car and take her to an appointment (or to the gym, which is my “appointment” that keeps me sane!). Moving quickly makes the transition even harder, and the screaming protests even louder. When I have more time, I can move her slowly, counseling her as I unwrap her swaddle, giving her verbal descriptions of what is going to happen next and why we are doing it, affirming to her that she is safe. But it’s rare that we get that kind of transition time in the adult world.
Just when we think we can relax and hit cruise control on an open stretch of the road, we get cut off by a car that seems to have come out of nowhere and we have to pivot quickly to change lanes. The stress in that moment lingers long after the event because we weren’t expecting that transition. The experience may even impart a long-lasting impact where we are less able to feel calm and present the next time we are on the highway, because we have experienced an unexpected transition that threw us off our game and now we fear that it will happen again, and we don’t know how to prepare for it.
Even peaceful experiences can be ruined by tough transitions. Upon returning home after a nice, relaxing vacation where you were truly able to “unplug” and get fresh air, quality sleep, afternoon naps, sunshine and good companionship, have you ever felt a sense of dread about going back to work the next day? A week of peaceful bliss can be undone if we are untrained in how to handle transitions.
Without preparation and training our mindset, life can make or break us in the transitions.
A friend of ours competed in a triathlon last weekend. He finished first place in two legs of the race and 4th in another (swim, bike, run) and had an impressive overall standing as well. But when his clever wife looked at the “data” on the race times, she pointed out that if only the times for the swim, bike and run were counted, and not the transition times between those events (which of course count in a triathlon), he would have come in first place. He lost the race in the transitions. Triathletes spend a non-insignificant amount of time training the transitions as well as the actual events, because they are that important to success.
So how do we train ourselves to deal with the transitions of life that can make or break us, particularly those transitions that demand quick responses from us?
We do this by “grounding” ourselves, finding ways to settle into the present moment physically and mentally. The opposite of feeling grounded is a feeling of being untethered, floating, wandering, full of fear, anxiety, anticipation (and not the good kind), worry and sometimes even a sense of doom. If you can relate to this feeling, you can then imagine the opposite and what our goal is when we work to “ground” ourselves. We want to feel rooted, stable and at peace with uncertainty even if we can’t quite get to full knowing of what’s next.
Spending some time each day, or even each week, to work on grounding can be a helpful way to prepare for unexpected (or expected) transitions. There are several ways to ground oneself in the present, and the more you practice the easier it will be to call it into action when needed. Many people find getting into nature a fantastic way to ground and reset. This can be walking in the woods or a park, near trees or water (even a fountain in the middle of a city could work), or you can take it to another level and take off your shoes and feel the actual earth under your bare feet (remember that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts gets Richard Gere to take off his fancy shoes and walk on the grass barefoot? Channel that vibe!). Some people use a scent (e.g. earthy/woody essential oils) or photograph that automatically makes them feel more present and stable in the moment. But the one tool that we always have with us that can help to ground us is our breath.
Deep breathing is an accessible way to settle feelings of anxiety around change and transition. A few deep breaths, with eyes closed if that’s comfortable, can do wonders for settling the nervous system and helping to prepare us for a shift into the next “position.”
The “four-part breath,” also known as the “box breath” is a simple breathing exercise you can do anywhere. Try it now…close your eyes or hold a steady gaze on a non-moving object in front of you. At the end of your next natural exhale take a deep breath in, filling your belly as well as your chest, as you count slowly to 4, then hold your breath at the top of the inhale and count to 4 again, then release your breath by exhaling to completely empty your lungs and belly as you count to 4, and finally, hold the end of that exhale for another count of 4.
Repeat this several times: Inhale 1…2…3…4…hold the breath in 1…2…3…4…, exhale 1…2…3…4…, hold the exhale out 1…2…3…4…
Another thing you can do to emphasize the grounding nature of this exercise is to stand while doing the 4-part breath–plant your feet firmly on the ground (with or without shoes on), imagine roots growing from the bottoms of your feet down into the earth, relax your shoulders down and away from your ears and draw your belly button in towards your spine to activate your core. All of this should feel like an internal support system has just been turned on. You are firm but relaxed, the breath flowing easily through your body and your mind. Imagine the breath as a cleanser that washes away any stress or anxious thoughts about what may happen next.
This exercise could literally be done in one-minute, giving you a quick reprieve from the daunting transition before you. But I would encourage you to practice it when you don’t have a foreboding change immediately before so that you can use it effectively when those moments come.
Spend some time thinking about transitions that typically make you feel uncomfortable so you can practice specific grounding techniques to help you overcome these feelings. For instance, many people feel a sense of dread on their commute to work, or even just opening their email in the morning. What could you do to make that transition more smooth? During your drive could you take time in silence to focus on breathing and saying some gratitudes? Or listen to a motivational podcast that would rewire your thoughts and set you up for an optimistic start to the day? Would it help to have an inspirational email from your favorite guru or podcast host waiting in your inbox each day so that you could open that message first and use the advice as your anchor for the day? Is there a picture of a nature scene or vacation spot that you love that could serve as a focal point to ground you whenever you start to “float” throughout your day? If so, make it the home screen on your phone or computer, or simply close your eyes and bring the image to the forefront of your mind whenever you need to reboot.
When we transition from sleep to awake in the morning there is another opportunity to practice mindful transitions. What is the first thing you do when you wake up? Do you check your phone, emails, social media? Does that ground you or make you feel more unsettled? What would make you feel more grounded? Try sitting on the edge of your bed for a moment before you get up. Place your feet on the floor and be really intentional as you feel your body transition from rest to beginning your day. Take a couple of deep breaths there at the edge of the bed, say a gratitude or a wish or a goal for the mindset you want to bring into your day. Slowly transition to standing, feeling your feet press down into the earth, and then step forward with intention into your day.
Practicing grounding in slower, basic life transitions like moving from sleep to awake will help us with bigger transitions that have more potential to disrupt our grounded energy.
The pathways between worlds, the airport gates and the highways that lead us from one place to another, from home to away and back again, are other areas where we can practice being present during transitions. In most cases we have planned these journeys so there’s already an element of control on our side, but the uncertainty and unknown of things like timing, weather, what experiences we can expect when we get to the “other side,” and leaving the comfort of the “known” (our own beds, our morning routine, our pets…) challenge us to find a way to anchor in ourselves as we move.
Try walking slowly, if you can, between connecting gates at the airport. Acknowledge the changing landscape, where you came from, where you are, and where you’re going, from a place of feeling grounded and in control. If you are in danger of missing your connecting flight and you must rush, take the time when you get into your seat on the next plane to feel your feet rooted on the floor, slow your breathing and put a smile on your face. You made it. Give yourself the gift of time to settle after a quick transition. Even flying through the air you can find a way to feel grounded.
As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “wherever you go, there you are.” We take our mindset with us everywhere we go, and if we have trained our mindset to ground during transitions and steeled ourselves to endure the unknown, we will be able to handle the inevitable changing landscape, some chosen and some surprising, with a beautiful balance of stability and flow. The deeper the roots, the stronger the tree, and the stronger the tree, the more freedom it has to wave its branches high in the sky, catching the surf of the wind, without fear of falling over. The practice of grounding, of rooting down, helps us feel firm and strong while allowing us to balance that stable energy with a freedom and effortless flow that allows us to arrive at the next stop with presence and peace. We need not be lost in transition; we warriors can empower ourselves to be present in transition.