“I’m never getting married and I’m never having children.”
This was my mantra starting from a young age of about 10 years old, and it persisted for decades without even a small crack of opening the door to the possibility of changing my mind. I was, and am, fiercely independent and saw only the limitations of a life where I was beholden to compromise with another individual, be that a partner in “law” or a child for whom I was completely responsible. At the same time I was limiting myself with this armor of a belief, I was also a hypocrite in my judgment of others who held contrary beliefs. I have always been a strong supporter and advocate of women gaining independence and equality and being able to grow their lives, minds and careers in the same way that men do. I would take it as a personal offense when women who became wives and moms “gave up” their own ambitions and left the world bereft of their talents and wisdom and creative offerings to support their families. I presented these emotions as disdain, but really my heart was broken to see women “giving up” on their own dreams to sacrifice themselves to others. “That will never be me,” I told myself (and everyone I met). Reactions ranged from people telling me that it was a shame I thought that way because I’d be a “really great mom,” to one person telling me I was more highly evolved than most because I could see how challenging raising kids is and how much it takes away from one’s life. Of course I chose to believe the latter sentiment rather than consider what it might be like to imagine myself as a mother.
There were few advocates for women or couples being “childless by choice” in the 80’s, 90’s or even early 2000’s, so I felt a bit of responsibility to be vocal about my choices in the hopes that it might help others who were fearful to admit they didn’t want the “traditional” or “expected” lifestyle that was historically associated with being female. But I wasn’t readily accepting of those who did choose the more traditional path, nor did I do any work on myself to explore whether my beliefs about motherhood held any false narratives that I had created during seasons of my life when they served me, but which may no longer support the kind of person I wanted to be. Ultimately I wanted to be a woman who supported other women regardless of whether I agreed with, or could relate to, their life choices and paths.
Step one in this transformation was to shed the “edginess” that accompanied my own beliefs about marriage and motherhood as they pertained to my life and my choices. I did not want to be the kind of person who judged others for their actions, especially women and especially mothers because the more women I met who were moms the more I realized just how badass they are and how much respect I had for them. I also realized that it was my own insecurity around being an outlier without much support or community who shared my beliefs or lifestyle that pushed me towards the side of judgment instead of curiosity. One way I dove into this task was to pair up with a working mom who was in my women’s leadership group at the company I worked for at the time and present a provocative presentation on women in the workplace, with specific points demonstrating differences between non-parents and parents and the way they are viewed/treated in corporate business. We learned so much from one another on that project and it was the beginning of a shift for me to accept and support others’ choices and recognizing that they weren’t a threat to my own choices.
Part two of my transformation came much later and required me to have a very good reason for starting to examine my beliefs, my steadfast mantra that was still deeply ingrained and my rote response to anyone asking about my marital or family status: “I’m never getting married and I’m never having children.”
There are two quotes that come to mind regarding this lesson for me: 1. the old adage “never say ‘never,’” and 2. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” (Shakespeare).
When we use extreme language like “I always,” or “I never” we are limiting our ability to flex and adapt to new circumstances and new information. And when we “protest too much,” that may be a red flag that we are fighting against our own internal prompts to think again, look again or reconsider, because we are too afraid to let go of a comfortable long-standing belief that has served us in some way during different seasons of our lives.
There is a benefit to us and to others when we do the brave thing and re-examine our beliefs and judgments of ourselves and others. When I met the person who I am currently married to, I saw a different type of partner than I’d ever encountered–someone who wanted me to continue to grow myself, live out my dreams, and who truly believed I had something to offer the world that had nothing to do with being married or having children. However, he had always wanted children. When I told him I never did, I also asked him to really think about how his life would change if he had kids and suggested that he wouldn’t be able to do all the things he currently enjoyed if he was responsible for taking care of a child. I was putting my own beliefs about parenting on him because I was still unwilling to see it any other way than I always had viewed it for myself–as a locked cage where I would inevitably lose my identity and be forgotten even to myself.
Trying to push our beliefs on others because we are unwilling to look inward is one of the most self-limiting things we can do, and one of the most harmful things we can do to others. There is a great Harry Chapin song that exemplifies this mindset, mostly seen in adults who have been coached out of open-mindedness through a rigid society. A child takes out his crayons in school and creatively starts drawing flowers in all different colors. The teacher comes over and says “flowers are red, young man, and green leaves are green, and there’s no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen.”
The child responds, “But there are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, so many colors in a flower, and I see every one.”
It’s a sad song overall, because eventually the teacher forces the child to repeat her limiting mantra until he is too afraid to paint flowers any other way than with red blossoms and green leaves.
I did not want this to be my legacy, to be rigid and close-minded and unwilling to see things in a different way than I always had, and further, to impose those rigid beliefs on others who saw more possibility than I had been brave enough to see for myself.
A year into our relationship my partner and I hit the make-or-break decision point hinged on him wanting a family and me still stuck in my belief that my life would be ruined if I were to have children. When he said he would be happy to be a stay-at-home parent if I wanted to continue to commit significant time to my career, this was the first time I felt a crack in my armor. I had never even considered that a man would give up his career to be a parent. There just weren’t a lot of examples of that paradigm in my life. So after a bit of dramatic resistance–the phase of changing your mind where you kick and scream and fight against your own internal messaging telling you it’s time to step back and reassess but you really don’t want to let go of that security blanket of self-limiting/protecting beliefs so it’s literally an “I against I” internal battle–I realized I was potentially about to lose something very important to me if I didn’t at least take the time to look at my shit.
I pulled myself together and said, “here’s what I’ll do (logical scientist voice speaking at this point, because of course I couldn’t just open myself up emotionally right away)–I will take some time to look at my ‘reasons why’ I never wanted to have children and see if they are still true for me today. I will also consult with friends of mine who have had children later in life and who also have had careers, and learn the pro’s and con’s from them.” In short, I would do my research rather than continue to repeat a rhetoric that I had never thought to question for decades.
I envy people who instinctively know what they want their whole lives–people who knew they wanted to be a doctor ever since they were a kid, or people who always knew they wanted to be a parent and never strayed from that path. On the other hand, living life with a broad view of what is possible outside of the expected or usual formula gives us the opportunity to explore different options and also the capacity to find understanding and compassion for others’ choices. Being CBC for nearly 40 years was difficult because I was in the minority of women in this “club.” Changing my mind about having a family left me feeling somewhat guilty for deserting other women who remained CBC, but because I have literally been there before, I continue to advocate, support and celebrate women who have made that conscious choice, even though that is not my choice anymore. If I hadn’t been in their shoes I might not have the capacity or even desire to understand their position.
Of course the universe doesn’t back down on challenging us just because we’ve shown some progress in growing our minds and beliefs, so after choosing to leave the CBC club I unexpectedly entered the CNBC (childless NOT by choice) club which has provided me a whole other “opportunity” for practicing the art of resisting, accepting and persevering while also opening up a new emotional channel within me of empathy and compassion for a group of people I never would have even thought about until I became one of them: the 1 in 6 individuals who struggle with fertility. (You can read my post regarding that journey on the Warrior by Day blog: https://dday.blog/2023/12/06/reclaiming-our-power-amidst-endless-uncertainty/).
Living life in a small circle of people, opportunities and perspectives has its advantages. It’s safe, it’s comfortable and for some people it may give them all they want and need to be content. But if you are feeling any kind of discomfort playing life small, consider taking a baby step towards examining an existing belief you’ve held for so long you can’t even remember why you felt that way to begin with. Or, have a conversation with someone who thinks or lives in a way that is completely different from you. Ask questions, be curious, notice what comes up in your mind and even in your body when you hear someone talk about something that you can’t quite relate to. Try to push down any feeling of threat and remember that you’re talking to another human being who has struggles and confusion and challenges just like the rest of us. Try to eliminate extreme statements like “always” and “never.” Let’s bring “maybe” back like Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Seemed to work out well for him.
The path to enlightenment does indeed lead through hypocrisy. I am quite proud of this hypocritical moment in my life where I chose to look at a long-standing belief and decide for myself whether I wanted to keep it or discard it and replace it with a new mindset. We always have that choice to change our minds. (and yes, I just broke the rule about saying “always” that I stated above…but there’s always a loophole for us hypocrites)