We’ve talked previously on Warrior by Day about our infinite capacity to change minds and continue growing new neural networks in the brain, but it does require that we intentionally change our perspective, and in some cases even change our environment.
Changing our minds and changing our actions are both challenging for humans who really like routines. As a new parent, I’m told finding a routine for my child is going to be key because “kids like routine.” It’s something that doesn’t totally resonate with me because I actually don’t love routines. Even though the entrepreneurs, influencers and inspirational speakers I admire and listen to on podcasts talk about the importance of daily habits and having a morning routine, I don’t have a daily routine for myself. It’s not that I don’t believe having a regular meditation practice or drinking glass of water before I have a cup of coffee could be beneficial, it’s never worked for me to introduce that kind of structure into my day. Even as someone who really believes in daily movement/exercise, I will decide sometime during the day, or at most the night before, what I’m going to do that day for exercise. Sometimes I base it on the weather and decide to do an outdoor activity if its’ nice out, or I base it on how I’m feeling, what my body needs, what the CrossFit workout is for that day, and choose to either go or not go to class based on those criteria. But I don’t have a regimented “I get up every day at X time and do Y exercise.” For a long time, I admonished myself for not having more structure in my life; it felt like I wasn’t disciplined enough. But I am not type A at all. I am someone who likes to feel out the moment and see where it takes me. Of course there are times when I can be disciplined and it is helpful to have some structure, but even that is spontaneous for me. I create “to-do” lists for the things I need to get done, but I don’t do it every day.
I approach travel with a balance of structured and unstructured activity. I may choose the cities that I want to visit or some of the sites that I want to see ahead of time, but I leave a lot of space for spontaneity and discovery. When I did my first solo trip to Europe, I didn’t plan any of the places where I was going to stay, much to my mother’ss chagrin. I remember her begging me to “at least just book the hotel for your first night so you know where you’re staying when you get there!” I said “Nope. That’s not part of the process here. I want to figure it out on my along the way.”
Taking this approach has pros and cons. On the one hand, it can be a little disorganized and sometimes I find myself with a pile of things to add to my to-do list when I have not set up regular intervals of time to do them. Working in a structured job environment helps me with this because I’m forced to have plans for getting my work done. But when it comes to home organization or cleaning or deciding what I want to do for my meals and exercise each week, having a loose approach allows me to take advantage of stuff that just pops up and isn’t planned. I think this type of flexibility has helped me with the ability to change my mind Another word play here to help us remember this approach: flexibility = FLEX-ABILITY. The more flexible you are, the greater the ability change your mind, change your course, be open to new opportunities and thought patterns.
My daughter is completely unpredictable at this stage of her life. Her sleep, eating, and moods are all a crap-shoot each day. She’s too little yet to have a routine, so we are just observing her cues and going with the flow. The upside of this is there is more space for observation, curiosity and wonder. A good friend of mine gave us the best parenting advice regarding this approach; he said, “life will be so much easier if you go at her pace and so much harder if you try to go at your pace.” I think that advice could extend to a lot of circumstances. Think about the pace of the world and the things that constantly change on a day-to-day basis. Things that happen at home (e.g. the ant invasion we are currently dealing with), changes in our bodies (waking up sore 3 days after doing a workout last weekend), things going on with our friends and what’s going on in the world. Hardly anything is constant, so to plan each day out meticulously is almost just asking for frustration. It’s very helpful to be able to flex in the moment and just say “Okay, I guess what I had planned is not going to work today. What can I do instead?” Alternatively, have a plan that’s a little loose but have a back-up plan. For example, “I’m going to try to make it to the 4 PM aerobics class (yes totally dating myself using that example but wasn’t step aerobics super fun back in those days??) and then realize that you’re not going to make it on time due to traffic, so you pull over and park by the local rail-trail and take a walk instead (versus getting completely frustrated and stopping to get ice cream and skipping your workout…which can also be okay ;-))
One way to train ourselves to be a bit more flex-able is to intentionally put ourselves in situations that are outside of our routine or comfort zone. When I was in hyper-reflective mode over the last couple of years I did a lot of outside-the-box activities on purpose because I wanted to turn on different parts of my brain and gain n ew perspective. I took a free online watercolor painting class during COVID. It was an hour every Saturday for four weeks where I could get completely lost outside of my left-thinking brain and tap into my right-creative brain. I continued this practice after the classes were over and expanded the approach to other new activities.
When I was mentoring a group of individuals at my last company I talked about this approach and proposed that if we just decide to do one thing different from our normal routine it can actually change our lives. It doesn’t even have to be an action; it could be changing the way you think about something or changing the way you respond in conversation. For example, I got feedback one time that I am too quick to say “no” when someone offers me a new idea. So I started challenging myself try a new response–when I would hear an idea that I did not think would work and my science brain would switch on and want to ask “where is the evidence for this?” or “I’ve never seen a paper that supports that idea” etc. etc., instead of just saying “no,” I would hold myself back and instead say “Tell me more about this idea,” or “okay, we can try this for a while and see what happens, and then have a back up plan if it doesn’t work out.”
Another friend of mine recently made a change to their communication style for improved engagement with others. They’d been in a conversation with a leader within their company and didn’t agree with something the leader said. Where they typically would have just said, “I don’t agree with this but I guess I have to live with it,” instead they said, “I’d like to challenge you on that,” and proceeded to provide their perspective in a way that provided an invitation for further discussion versus shutting down and ending the conversation. That was a big shift and one that is going to be a lifelong change for that person that will allow them to have a voice and be empowered to engage in healthy, respectful discourse.
When I challenged my mentoring group to test out this idea and try one new thing before our next meeting we had some remarkable examples when we met up again a month later. One person used the challenge not to try something completely new, but rather to return to something they previously loved doing but hadn’t done in a really long time. She re-opened the craft corner in her basement and started doing embroidery again, and she rediscovered her joy for that activity. Another person decided to start doing their devotionals every morning, and found a friend to support that so that they could make it a habit. She reported to our group that this practice completely shifted her mindset for the day. Yet another mentee had been supporting their elderly parent by going to their house and cleaning every week. This took a lot of her time and effort and even though their parent could afford to hire a cleaner they really wanted their daughter to do it. She had felt too guilty to say “no,” but taking on the “do something different” challenge she finally said “you know what? I don’t have the time to do this. I have my own house, my own career my own children and I’m hiring somebody to do this for you.” She found someone that her dad ended up really liking and he was even able to engage with them socially while she was there cleaning as well, which was something missing from his life. The daughter’s mindset for so long had been fixed in guiIt, saying to herself “I have to do this myself. It’s my responsibility.” She needed to challenge that mindset and when she dis she realized she could make a different decision, and one that would be better for her and her father.
But my favorite example from the mentee group was a woman who was really particular about her travel plans. She’s a very efficient woman and would make her flight connections as close as possible whenever she traveled. During the time of the mentee challenge when I asked her to try something different, she had a work trip. While booking her flights she saw that her connecting options included one that had a 50 -minute minute connection time and another that was about three hours. Missing the tight 50-minute connection would be kind of a pain, but she don’t really want to waste time staying in the airport for three hours if she chose the longer layover option. She decided to use this scenario for her “try one new thing” challenge, and she booked the longer connection. She reported back to us about her unexpectedl eye-opening and mindful experience–she was able to sit in the airport and watch people, she had time to get a meal and read a scientific article and most important she had time for herself which she never had because she also had family responsibilities at home as well as her work responsibilities. She realized she could actually build in space for herself when traveling versus trying to rush the process. She could have peace and quiet and time to actually think. And then the cool part of the story too was on her way back from that work trip she had that long connection planned, but at the last minute there was a flight that would’ve gotten her home a little bit earlier and it was a closer connection and instead of immediately choosing that option she thought about it and said “well I really enjoyed that three-hour layover when I had time for myself on the way out here, so I wouldn’t mind if I don’t get on this next flight, but on the other hand, I would like to get home…” By having experienced both options now, she gave herself the ability to be flexible for all of her future decisions rather than being rigid. So it’s not about changing something permanently. It’s about changing your mindset to know that you have choice and that you don’t need to be in a routine or habit or just a rhote pattern of actions or speech. When you try something different you expand your repetoire, giving you the opportunity to reflect on your options and change them as needed.
Training yourself to try new things can also help break habits that aren’t necessarily supportive or helpful anymore. As a young gymnast I struggled with learning the back-handspring on the balance beam. This where a gymnast stands on the 4-inch wide beam, bends their knees and then extends their body up and backwards in an arch allowing them to reach their hands to the balance beam, push off again and land back on their feet. I could complete the skill, but my problem was that after I landed the skill I would immediately fall off the beam. Every. Single. Time. And it was always the same side I was falling off. I was getting really frustrated, as was my coach. So he finally said, “Just do one thing different this time. I don’t care what it is. I don’t even care if you fall! But at least fall off the other side of the beam!” When I got back up on the beam I thought about trying to fall off the other side. And when I did that, I ended up landing right in the middle, finally sticking the landing. I always think about this example of “falling off the other side of the beam” whenever I get stuck in a pattern or process or something that is just not working for me. When this happens we’ve got to do something different. You know the old saying, if we just keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, that’s the definition of insanity.
So my fellow warriors, my challenge to you this week is to try one thing different from your usual routine. Even if it’s just slightly out of the box like walking clockwise around the track instead of counter clockwise, or doing your running route backwards, or trying something different for breakfast. Do a different modality of exercise, engage in a conversation in a different way. Or instead of doing something entirely new, revisit something that you haven’t done in a while that once brought you joy. Anything you do that is different from your routine is going to open up channels in your mind that brings in more possibility, more growth, and more FLEX-ABILITY. Just do one thing different and, if you feel like it, send me a comment and tell me what you did and how it went.