If you’ve been following along on the Warrior by Day blog posts you’ll recall a woman I reference quite often, a therapist I saw several years ago who really impacted my life and my way of thinking. She is also an award-winning rodeo barrel rider who shares my love of the “F-word.” She is the one who taught me about the drama triangle and so many other practical mindset shifts that really helped me through some challenging situations.
One day in our session she asked me to list the “good things” in my life, in no particular order, and from any time period. I listed things like my orange cat Oscar Wilde (who some people say taught me how to love), my solo trip to Europe, summiting Mt Kilimanjaro, the ocean, my family and friends, competing collegiate gymnastics, and having found a career that I loved. Then she asked me to list the “bad things” that I had experienced. I squirmed a bit as I had to confront things that I didn’t really like to think about, but complied with the request. It included failed relationships, sexual abuse by my gymnastics coach, years of friendships lost due to stupid disagreements, and hurting people with some of my past decisions.
As I sat across from her, she wrote down everything I said on a white piece of paper attached to a clipboard facing her. When I was done, she removed the paper from the clipboard and turned it around to show me. I was completely taken aback. I had assumed that she was writing down the “good” and the “bad” in two separate columns, as would have been the logical approach. But instead I saw a random scattering of words and phrases all over the paper. The first thing that really struck me was seeing the name of my beloved orange cat Oscar written right next to the name of my abusive gymnastics coach. I was angry. I did not want those two pieces of my life anywhere close to one another, either in my mind or written down in “harmless” text on a piece of paper. It REALLY bothered me.
My therapist explained to me that the random placement of the words was very intentional. Her point was to show that our whole life is made up of ALL of our experiences and there’s no real way to separate them. Everything we’ve been through has been pieced together like a mosaic to create a complete picture of who we are, including stuff we label as “bad.” And here’s the thing, we get to choose how we look at the events of our lives. We can either give them power over us that keeps us in fear and uncertainty, or we can control our perspective on them by acknowledging the impact they’ve had on us, but without allowing them to define us.
This was a really hard lesson to swallow. It was still difficult for me to see the name of my abuser next to something that I loved so much and that had brought so much joy to my life. I wanted the two-dimensional Oscar to claw the eyes out of the name next to him on that piece of paper.
A good friend of mine once taught me that naming our pain or fear is the first step to releasing it. “Name it, face it, release it,” is the mantra she used. To lighten up the topic a bit, think of the Harry Potter books and how it is taboo to use Voldemort’s name, but rather one must refer to him as “He who shall not be named.” But Harry calls him by his name from the very beginning. Perhaps it is because he realizes that not naming him actually gives Voldemort MORE power and perpetuates fear in those who are afraid to acknowledge him.
As much as we may want to bury the parts of our lives that didn’t go as planned, and keep them in a list separate from those things that we are proud of or that brought us joy, success, love, and adventure, the truth is we are a mosaic, a tapestry, a quilt, an amalgam of experiences that make us unique and that have shaped us into who we are. Hiding those parts that we would rather not acknowledge gives them too much power over us; eventually they will resurface and will take all of our energy to try and stuff them back into the “bad” box. As controversial as it may be, I truly believe that even the most challenging experiences can teach us something that we can then use to grow, become more resilient, and if nothing else, provide us with a way to help others who have undergone similar challenges by sharing our experiences.
The only reason I came forward about being sexually abused by my gymnastics coach 15 years after the initial events was because I thought it could help others. But bringing the truth to light after so many years of hiding it also freed me…eventually. The process of having to confront and relive that experience in order to hold the perpetrator accountable and ensure that no more young people would be harmed by him was not immediately healing to me personally, but I have zero regrets about the decision to come forward. Hiding that secret for so long impacted my life in ways that I never fully comprehended until I finally unveiled the truth. And though it took time before, during and after the legal proceedings to process the events for myself and let go of the (misplaced) shame I had carried with me for so long, I know today I am stronger and more whole as a result of going through that. Do I wish that it had never happened in the first place? Of course! But I can’t change it and I choose not to carry it. Do I now like seeing the name of the abuser written down next to the things in my life that I consider “good?” Nope, that’s still a “hell no” from me on that one. BUT, I get it. I get that whether I like it or not my life was impacted, not defined by, but impacted, by every event that I have lived through, including that one.
Some experiences, of course, are tougher than others to acknowledge in our individual life mosaics. Tragic, unexpected loss comes to mind. But even still, I see all around me examples of people who are defying the odds and persisting through really, really shitty hands. None of us should compare our suffering to another’s, but I think we can all agree that there are some random acts of inexplicably devastating circumstances that test the human spirit more than others. The only thing that keeps me from being cynical about the possibility of at least accepting, if not embracing, the lessons of our individual challenges in this life, is the realization that none of us are alone, even though it may feel as though we are the only ones suffering a certain fate.
I am very open about being a survivor of sexual abuse. And whenever I have talked about this openly to others in any forum, 99.9% of the time someone will reach out to me to say, “I’ve never told anyone one this before but this happened to me as well.” In those moments I know in my heart that there is a purpose to what I endured, and that my healing is tied to healing others, and vice versa.
It is hard to find our people when we are going through something devastating or something we think we should be embarrassed or ashamed of, but I encourage everyone to find someone, or some group to lean on. This needs to be someone who truly “gets it.” I promise you, these people exist. They may not, and likely will not, be your usual go-to tribe. Some life events require us to find the company of otherwise-strangers who happen to be going through the same challenges as us. These strangers become part of our mosaic, as well, and help us realize that we have nothing to hide from or be ashamed of.
Our individual mosaic may have tiles that don’t shine as bright, are of a color that we would have never chosen ourselves, or contain pieces that don’t necessarily seem to fit next to one another, but if we step back and take in the full picture, we see our strength, our resilience, our pain and our strife all linked together with our ease, peace, joy and comfort in a beautiful scene representing our unique human experience.
If I’ve still not convinced you that even the shit hands we are dealt play an important role in our lives, maybe Gandalf will have more influence (it has been far too long since I’ve used a Lord of the Rings quote).
(Scene from the mines of Moria, where Frodo is in despair regarding his burden of carrying the “One Ring.”)
Frodo: “I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”
Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
I hope you find a way to accept all that has made you who you are and that has brought you to this moment. I hope you decide to live fully with the time that is given to you and that you continue to create a mosaic free of judgment and worthy of your unique presence in this world.