The danger of absolutes

As a born-and-raised New Englander I can relate to that first quote by John Updike. We New Englanders can be a little tough, a little set in our ways, a little attached to what we have known to be true based on our lived experiences and a little too quick to assume that those experiences translate exactly to others.

And when I say “a little,” I really mean A LOT.

In my/our defense I don’t think it is just New Englanders. There seems to be a human inclination to share our experiences in a way that comes across as absolute certainty without leaving room for someone else’s experience to deviate from what we know to be true.

Extending on last week’s post about “external authorities,” this is where we really need to be grounded in our own authority and also expand our mindset to be curious versus certain. Otherwise we end up accepting truths that aren’t our own, and limit our ability to identify our own truth.

You’ll know when you’re being tested by these external authorities when they try to tell you how to feel about something or paint a picture about your future.

I see this a lot with the topic of aging.  People who see us 40+-ers exercising hard, doing CrossFit or running marathons will say “oh just you wait. Once you turn 40 your knees and hips and shoulders will all give out on you. “I used to be like you but just you wait. I can’t run anymore or lift anything heavy.”

This kind of rhetoric imparts a belief system that everyone’s body breaks down at a certain age, regardless of how they have taken care of that body in the past or how they are currently taking care of that body in the present. The implication is that everyone over the age of 40 is just going to feel like crap and there’s nothing that can be done about it. That’s bullshit.

And yet, this kind of interaction has the potential to plant a seed in the mind of the receiver that imparts fear of a future where they are no longer able to do the things they love.

The external authority takes their own experience and paints a future for others when they know nothing about how that person lives their life or what their experience has been.

The exercise example is personal to me, as I have heard these “warnings” that I won’t always be able to exercise the way I do now, that I should “be careful” about lifting weights at my age. But those who give this unsolicited opinion know nothing about the way I live my life. They don’t know that I prioritize my health and movement and will always do so. They don’t know that I get ahead of aches and pains by proactively seeking input from physical therapists so that I can MAINTAIN my mobility rather than try to chase healing after too much damage has been done. The story they tell about their aging is their story. It is not mine. And quite frankly, I don’t appreciate them projecting their own fears on me.

If you’re a parent, you probably get a LOT of projection from others’ experiences and “warnings” of what you should expect from your child at each stage of development.

“Oh just wait until they’re a teenager! Then you’re really in trouble.”

Our daughter has been sleeping through the night since she was 2 months old. No one believes this but I have an eye witness now as she just had her first sleepover with a friend who watched her for me while I reclaimed a part of myself to attend a concert. And yet, everyone says to us, “Oh that won’t last. She’ll have a sleep regression.”

I have only met one kind soul who was able to dissociate her own experience and provide me with a neutral thought on the topic. When I told her that my daughter sleeps through the night I immediately caught myself repeating a story that wasn’t my own and said, “but everyone tells me this won’t last so I’m just enjoying it while I can.” To which she responded, “Maybe it will last, maybe it won’t. Don’t believe everything you’re told. One of my kids continued to sleep through the night and the other didn’t. You just never know.”

Now there’s a progressive New Englander for you. Someone who was able to let go of “bloodless absolutes” and see the possibility for multiple outcomes.

It can be hard to reject these “truisms” that others feel the need to put upon us. And if we are the types of people who deliver these blind certainties, what is the motivation? Is it a misery-loves-company thing? Or is it like many things in our world where rote responses or single-belief systems prevail above us actually thinking for ourselves and considering that there may be an alternative to what we ourselves have experienced. 

No one can tell us how to feel or what our future holds for us. 

How ready are you to protect yourself from those external authorities? Here are some tools to help:

First we must spend time getting to know ourselves, our values and our inner truth so that we can remember who we are when we are challenged by others who presume to know us better than we know ourselves. Use the grounding techniques I laid out in the last blog post to create space for this reconnection to your inner truth (https://dday.blog/blog/be-the-author-ity-of-your-own-life/). 

Visualization is another powerful tool that allows us to block unhelpful and negative mistruths that external authorities aim at us. 

I did a visualization practice recently when I was in a room where someone was talking about something very toxic and I could feel my body tensing up and my mind starting to fill with worry and dread. So I pictured a bubble surrounding me and then I pictured the words and emotions emanating from the room bouncing off the outside of the bubble. I took several deep breaths inside the bubble to remind myself that I was grounded in my own truth and determined to be unmoved by the energy outside of that bubble. 

You can choose any color bubble that resonates with you and that represents calm, strength and protection.

External “authorities” are everywhere and many of them deal in absolutes. If we don’t know ourselves well enough, we allow them to take over as our internal authorities, placing seeds of doubt into what we know at our core to be true. 

Reject the absolutes. Embrace uncertainty and curiosity. Trust your inner guide.