Save the drama for your llama

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were desperately trying to help someone get out of a situation, or a repeat behavior pattern, only to find that after days, months or even years of trying to help them they were completely unable to move? Did you notice that when your efforts were in vain that your helpful attitude turned to resentment? Or have you ever known someone who is constantly blaming others for their life circumstances, or maybe you have been in a cycle of pessimism where you feel like everything bad happens TO you? There is an explanation for these roles that we play, and it is called the Drama Triangle.

I first learned about the Drama Triangle from a psychologist I was seeing about 10 years ago. I have spoken previously about my strong belief in having a mental health practitioner as part of your health and wellness pit crew–it can sometimes require kissing a few frogs before you find someone that fits your needs and personality style, but it’s worth pursuing until you find the right one. This particular therapist I saw was not only a phenomenal psychologist, but also a badass barrel racer in the rodeo. She also swore like a sailor, which matched my personality perfectly. But what I really appreciated about her was the practical information she supplied. There wasn’t a lot of “how does that make you feel?” kind of rhetoric stereotypical to therapists, but rather a ton of tangible takeaways that I could directly apply to my life. I have since shared many of these gems with hundreds of friends, mentees, employees and even strangers. Every time I’ve shared the concept of the Drama Triangle the person I’m speaking gets that look of “holy shit” in their eyes. They immediately understand that they have been on the triangle at various points in their life. It’s not uncommon to be on the triangle now and again because human interaction by nature involves drama. Until you understand the different roles contributing to the drama and can recognize what role you are playing you can easily get stuck on one of the hazardous corners of this geometric shitshow. The goal is to recognize when you’re on it, and try your best to stay off it.

The original Drama Triangle concept was first attributed to a psychiatrist named Stephen Karpman in 1968. The three corners of the triangle represent three roles we can play when we are immersed in drama: Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor. You’ll know you’re on the triangle if you find yourself playing one of those roles, and while most of us have a tendency to play one role over another repeatedly, we can shift between roles as the dramatic situation changes. As you read through the descriptions of each role below, I bet you will be able to identify which role you are most likely to play in your relationships with others, and examples of people in your life who present as these various roles as well.

The Rescuer:

Rescuers are empathetic, often to a fault. While their intention is to try to help others, rescuers often end up enabling or promoting learned helplessness in individuals who are likely to be playing their own role on the drama triangle as a victim. The motivation to be a rescuer can include a need to be seen, or sometimes a bit of a martyrdom complex. Many rescuers avoid their own inner work by constantly finding new “projects,” or individuals who are struggling and who have a high need for intervention. Because victims stuck on the triangle are unwilling to receive help or move themselves out of the victim role, the rescuers are at high risk of “burnout” or “compassion fatigue.” After all, you can only try to help someone who isn’t interested in being helped for so long before you end up resenting them and moving onto the persecutor corner of the triangle. 

The Victim:

Victims are stuck in their role or relationships and are unable to progress based on their own self-limiting beliefs. Oftentimes they hold the perception that they are the target of some kind of evil universal force that keeps throwing roadblocks at them. Life happens TO them, and it is unfair. They have difficulty seeing that they have more power than they think, and that they could choose a different reaction, other than victimhood, when faced with difficult situations. They are also avoiding their own inner work, including personal accountability. 

We can all shift between each of the roles on the triangle. A rescuer could also become a victim–think about someone you may know who uses the excuse that they can’t achieve their own goals because they are “responsible” for taking care of others. This kind of rescuer-victim is common in our society. We laud seemingly selfless people who spend all of their time focused on taking care of others, but we don’t call out the fact that there is an avoidance piece to this kind of behavior that helps the rescuer also keep one foot firmly planted in the victim corner. They are unable to move towards their own goals because they see their role as solely taking care of others. They create their own drama in this cycle.

The Persecutor:

Persecutors blame others for their frustration. They have likely been playing one of the other roles, rescuer or victim, before transitioning to the persecutor corner. Persecutors tend to lack solution-oriented approaches to problems when dealing with individuals playing the victim role, including the most important solution which would be to get off the triangle completely.

Here’s an example of what this could look like in a workplace setting:

There’s a really well-intentioned manager who loves to coach, mentor, develop and support their employees. They are known for being really helpful and compassionate, always jumping in when someone needs them. One of their employees complains about having to work on a Saturday, claiming that “this always happens to them (victim).” The manager offers to join the employee on the Saturday shift, suggesting they could get the work done together (rescuer). The employee responds by saying, “No, it’s MY shift, I have to do it, I’m the only one who can do it (woe is me…victim).” The manager then gets frustrated because they feel they have offered solutions to the problem but the employee won’t accept any of them. The manager no longer has empathy or compassion for the employee; they are angry and swear they will never again offer to help them (persecutor). 

So how do you get off the drama triangle? First, recognize when you and/or someone you are in a relationship with (work colleague, romantic partner, parent/child) are playing one of these three roles. Next, acknowledge the feelings (real or perceived) of the victim, rescuer or persecutor you are dealing with. In the above example, as the manager you could acknowledge that the employee has been asked to take a lot of extra shifts on Saturdays because they are the only person with the specific skill set needed to get that particular job done. But then you can offer a solution to try and find them some support so they aren’t the only one to have to come in on Saturdays, or you could offer to balance the extra effort with some additional paid time off when the project comes to a close and the extra effort is no longer needed. The goal here is to move everyone out of their respective corners on the drama triangle and towards solution-oriented communication.

There is a high likelihood that this approach will not work immediately. Just because you have recognized that you’ve been playing a role on the drama triangle, and have made the conscious effort to abandon your corner, doesn’t mean that the other players have the same self-awareness. If they are still playing their role they will not be open to any suggestions. If you’ve offered several solutions and are still getting pushback, it’s time to take some space from the scenario so you don’t jump back on the triangle as a persecutor. It’s important to be direct and set a plan in place to revisit the issue in a timely manner. Acknowledge that the person doesn’t seem open to solutions right now and that maybe they just want someone to listen to their frustrations. Offer that you are willing to be a sounding board for now, but that you’ll both need to come back into the conversation within a short time frame (24-48 hours) and agree that both of you will come to the table with solutions to offer. This sets a boundary on how long you are willing to put up with them playing their role on the triangle.

When you can remove yourself from the triangle you can calmly model solution-oriented communication and action and hopefully provide the individual you’re dealing with the opportunity to see that they are also playing a role on the drama triangle and ultimately they can remove themselves as well.

The next time you find yourself spinning your wheels and wondering why it seems like you can never get anywhere with a certain person, situation or relationship (including the relationship with yourself), recognize if you or someone you’re dealing with is on the drama triangle and which role you or others are playing. Acknowledge the trigger (pain, frustration, resentment, etc) that is causing you or someone else to be a victim, rescuer or persecutor. Take some space away from the situation and set an intentional time frame to circle back with solutions to keep you and others off the triangle for good.

Lastly, a bit of advice for rescuers-

If you find that you are dealing with someone that is unwilling to recognize the role they are playing as a victim and who is completely unwilling to accept your help, know that jumping back on the triangle is only going to make things worse for both of you. If you have guilt that you are abandoning someone by getting off the rescuer corner and leaving them in their victim or persecutor corner, remember you can still wish them well from a safe distance away from the triangle and hope that they eventually see how they are limiting their own self growth by choosing to stay “stuck” in a certain mindset. It is not your responsibility to rescue anyone who doesn’t want to take the hand that you’ve offered them. You deserve to be free of unhealthy attachment to saving others. Instead you can show them that you believe in their ability to move themselves off the triangle and that you’ll be cheering them from the outside and saving them a spot in the wide open space outside of the drama triangle.