Working Subtitle: “ARGH! The Pirate’s Breakup Code”
I am a strong believer in getting support from people outside our friends and family network to help process more challenging life events–whether it’s a coach, a therapist, or spiritual guide, getting an outside perspective can really help us let go of things that no longer serve us. I have seen many therapists throughout my life but my favorite one was this badass rodeo superstar champion barrel racer who also happened to be a phenomenal psychologist. If you’ve never been to see a therapist you may have a picture in your mind of what it looks like, based on movies or television shows. And in some cases, my experience has matched those stereotypical scenes where the therapist sits in the chair across from me waiting for me to say something and when I do, they do the typical “and how did that make you feel?” This can be very frustrating and is not my style of therapy. My rodeo therapist challenged me, gave me homework, swore with me (we share a common love of 4-letter words and find tremendous healing value in using them fervently), and had a great sense of humor. She also gave valuable and practical advice that I have shared with as many people as I can and you’ll find me referencing her throughout numerous posts in the future.
Today’s post is a short and sweet lesson she taught me in how to gracefully exit any life circumstance with a perspective that puts a realistic and compassionate lens on even the most contentious situations.
Many times when we are leaving a relationship or job or choosing to distance ourselves from a friend or group that no longer aligns with our values, our instinct can be to carry resentment or blame as we close the door behind us. This makes it easier to leave because we think we are controlling the inherent pain that exists within nearly every loss or goodbye. Instead of attaching ourselves to the negative memories that likely led to our decision to leave the situation, try applying the practice of Appreciation, Regret, and Hope. I was trying to find a catchy acronym for this practice, but all I could come up with was “ARGH!” This made me think of pirates, so maybe we could call it the Pirate’s Breakup Code? I’ll work on it. But I digress…
Step 1: If we challenge ourselves to see the reality of a situation as not all good or all bad (again, coming back to our old friend Pema Chodron’s philosophy on finding the Middle Way), we can find at least ONE thing that we appreciated about the experience or relationship we are leaving. So we start with that. What did you appreciate about the person or job. Was there something you learned that provided value to you and that you will carry with you into the next phase of your life? If it’s a relationship you’re leaving, there must be something about the person you are leaving that initially drew you to them. What redeeming quality can you come up with that you appreciated at the beginning? Even if that one quality or trait has been overshadowed recently by less pleasant experiences, the point is there is always something to appreciate. Dig deep, be honest with yourself and find that appreciation.
Step two: Regrets. Well, we likely wouldn’t be leaving if we didn’t have something to regret. In this case I don’t mean we regret the leaving itself, but rather we regret that the circumstances changed so much from the initial plan/vision/dream that it left us no choice but to leave so that we could stay true to our own inner values and vision. This could also be a practice of owning something we contributed to the situation that led to the eventual breakdown. “I regret that I never told you why I was angry with you and instead just stopped calling.” Or, “I regret that I never told you what I needed/wanted from this relationship/career opportunity.” In one of my own personal examples of leaving a job situation, I wrote in my resignation letter that I regretted not having spoken up sooner when my role and responsibilities became unclear and untenable.
Step 3: Hope. “Oft hope is born when all is forlorn.” (I’ll take any excuse to insert a Tolkien quote)
At the end of the day, there is always something to look forward to. When saying a goodbye or walking away from a situation that played even a minor role in our time here on this earth, one of the most uplifting things we can do to walk away with our hearts light versus heavy is to send a wish out to those we leave behind. The “Hope” part of this practice is a gift to others and a release of our own inner burden.
After expressing our appreciation and regrets, which creates an honest and realistic backward look at the experience we are walking away from, we send a wish to those we leave behind. The wish can be for their journey to continue in the direction they hope, for them to find what they are looking for or to send “loving kindness” regardless of what hurt or pain they may have been associated with in our own journey. This is a gift to ourselves as much as it is to them. We have now released the burden of blame, defensiveness, anger and hurt that would have hindered us on our own journey forward into the next opportunity. Hope is easy to give and costs us nothing.
Try using this practice in a journaling exercise where you think of a thought process or past experience you have been carrying with you with some amount of negative energy that weighs you down and takes up precious space in your mind. Write down what you appreciated about the person or experience contained in this mental baggage, what you regret about how things were handled by you and/or by others, and finish it off with a spark of hope for better days for all involved.
I think you will find this practice allows you to move on in a way that brings you clarity and peace, and enables you to soar into your next opportunity with eyes locked on the future rather than stuck in the past.
Also this content has been pirate-approved. ARGH!